Fathers Day

Yesterday was kind of a sad day for me. It was Fathers Day and those who know me know that I don't talk to my father. I usually celebrate Fathers Day with my momma. I send her a card, call her, or go down to Calexico. This year I completely forgot to send her a card and I ended up calling her late in the evening to wish her a Happy Fathers Day. My momma had spoken to my brother earlier in the day and had mentioned how sad she was that I did not send my usual "fathers day" card to her this year. I had done it for 10 years now & this year I didn't. My momma is finally dating someone and she busy with her own life now. I knew she wouldn't be home & really didn't think much of it. I just honestly forgot!

My brother and I had lunch together yesterday and somehow we got into a conversation about my dad. My brother mentioned how sorry my dad was for not coming to my wedding. He had asked my brother about the wedding and how it went. I guess my dad said he felt like he would have to explain himself to everyone. I debated on inviting him to my wedding and even picked a father/daughter song in case he showed up. I finally decided to mail him invitation and he never did show up. A part of me knew he wouldn't come, but there was that part of me that wished he would of came. I could of danced on his shoes like I used to when I was a little girl. My brother then told me how my father thinks my sister and I hate him. How he wishes he never did what he did to our family. How my father basically drinks every day until it is time for bed and how he hates his life. How he is miserable. We continued with our conversation about my father and what we had to experience afterward. I could honestly write a novel on it. As I tried to fall asleep later on that night I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about the conversation my brother and I had earlier. My dad has never really apologized for what he did to our family. He has done and said some harsh things that a man should never do his children. I always thought I am over it, but after last night I do not think I am. My husband tells me I always remembered the bad things and I have this angry side to me. Other people have told me I runaway from things because I am scared of getting hurt. As I laid there and I totally analyzed my life since my father left. I wondered if him not being there all these years has to do with what people say about me. I realized I can not blame him for my mistakes or how I view life and relationships, but I do feel he is the root to my attitude, beliefs, & my views on life and relationships. I always expect the worst and look for the negative in life. I know I should not, but it is something I do naturally. After laying there tossing and turning I finally came to the decision of approaching my father and telling him that I do not hate him. I just never understood how someone could be Daddy's Little Girl one minute and the next be told horrible things from this man who I admired and looked up to. I thought the reason he was out of our lives was because of my momma. But as an adult and after meeting two great fathers with some baby momma drama. I realized that despite the differences with your childrens mom, your children should always come first. You may not be able to see them everyday, but a simple phone call once a month is enough. Despite your differences with your childrens mother you should keep in touch with your children. I think I will call my father or write him a letter. I may want to tell him about everything, maybe blame him for a lot of stuff or just simply say hello. Ask him about his family, work, life, etc. I think I am simply looking for closure. I thought I had it, but after tossing and turning in bed last night I realized I do not. Although I have always celebrated Fathers Day honoring my mother for being my father I hope that maybe next year I can actually call my father and continue to honor my mother.

(Top right photo is one of the last photos of my father & brother together, bottom left photo is a photo of my half-brother & me, & then there is the most updated photo I have with my father. We ran into him at a wedding about four years ago).