Just because

I was unsure if I would continue to blog, but here I am. As my husband shoots away the enemies on his video game & I stare at the computer screen I decided to blog. Writing always makes me feel better and that this moment I am a bit down for a few reasons:

I still don't know if I will have a job this upcoming school year. The fact that I don't know drives me crazy and it worries me financially.

My husband really wants to leave his job, but won't because I don't have a stable job. Summer school ends on the 21st and then what? He really wants to buy a house but of course needs to wait until I have a contract.

His mom is going through her second round of radiation and chemo. I know he is very worried about her and wishes he was back home with her, but of course won't leave because we don't know if I will have a job. If he leaves, who will pay the bills and rent?? I sure can't because I don't have a damn contract.

Then there is the death of a fellow classmate from CSUSM. I was informed through email that she was in the hospital with cancer & that her husband was looking for a Hospice for her. I told myself I would visit her this upcoming week(this week) and I got news she passed away. Just a tough realization that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Then I am feeling a bit of sadness because of the family. My momma & I had a conversation on her birthday weekend regarding some family issues that I was unaware. I had mentioned to her that some of my dad's side of the family was calling my uncle (mom's side) crazy. Apparently at my wedding, my uncle from my mom's side(He is the only relative my mom has & has really been there for my momma and us) confronted some of my relatives from my dad's side of the family. I don't blame my uncle because till this day he still thinks my grandpa died because of the family drama. The day he was hospitalized he had a fight with the step-momma over money and our old house. His blood pressure sky rocketed....Long long story!!! Anyhow, a confrontation occurred between my uncle on my mom's side & with some family members on my dad's side. I know my uncle was drunk & that it was very difficult for him to be there. After the confrontation my momma was approached by some of the family members from my dad's side of the family. Somewhere in the conversations the whole issue of excluding my siblings & I came up. I felt my mom was put in the middle of all this and that my dad's side of the family treats her different. I already feel we are treated different. I wish I would of known this had occurred because I would of said something. My momma worked hard to raise us and give me a beautiful wedding. It really hurts and bothers me that at my wedding my mom & other family members were "discussing" old family issues. I was hoping my wedding would bring us all back together. I worked hard in pleasing the family at the wedding, I even accommodated the family members who are vegetarians. I was more focused on pleasing the family than focusing on my special day. It wasn't until I hit the dance floor that I was finally able to relax & forget about pleasing them. Maybe I was trying to win their affection over. Anyways, this conversation has been bugging me & I been debating about discussing it with the family or letting it go. My sister tells me I care to much what others think, those others are my family and I do care what they think. I am sad and upset that on my wedding day this kind of situation occurred. Did they think I wouldn't find out?

I know I should just let it go, but I am not the type to let things go. I should not worry about the small things in life. I know I should be thankful that I am happy, that I have a loving husband, that my momma & siblings are always there for me, and that I am healthy. However, I been down since I had that conservation with my mom and others issues have just been piling on. I know I will get over this "funk" of mine.